How to loose all your Friends ?

Social technologies have disrupted human relationships. Facebook’s venture : Instagram, Facebook, etc, went further and made friendship a game, where connections are like points, and individuation* is the dynamic.

This hyper-connection of people also revealed a surprising fact : true friends are lame. They require attention, benevolence, sometimes even missing on some opportunities just to be there for them – and they might even say things you don’t like once in a while ! Having a group of followers is way better, you don’t have to give anything back.

So if you want to loose all your friends and make time for more parasocial interactions, simply follow this guide 🙂

1 – Be the center of the world

Whenever someone says something, don’t listen to them, just answer by saying exactly the same thing, but about you. All about you 🙂

Them : I’m just coming back from India, it was AMAZING! Beautifull sand beaches and all…
You : Yeah. I went to Vietnam myself. The beaches were nice.
Them : OK… I was there with my wife, she had a…
You : I met a model in Vietnam. Let me show you pictures, man she was so hot!
Ad lib.

Example of “Being the center of the world”

2 – Use people as tools

In general, just make sure that your “friends” bring things into your life : connections, material stuff, access to specific ressources, or groups, and even money, why not ?!

Of course, this 2nd technique works very well with next one :

3 – Be an obvious lier

It’s quite hard to define a lie, but there are 2 basic understandings:
Explicit – Anything you say that is not true, and doesn’t match reality.
Implicit – Any deceiptive behaviour (like faking your actual goal).

Colin Powell :
Here is the facility where we believe Sadam Hussein is keeping his Weapons of Mass Destruction”.

*Shows picture of a chicken farm*

Explicit lie.

Marck Zuckerberg :
“My goal is to connect people”.

*Makes billions selling ads*

Implicit lie.

4 – Ignore Social Cues

Empathy means understanding people’s mindset and feelings. Just don’t do that. Ever!

Them : My great-mom just died of covid 😥
You : Pff. That’s bullshit. My mom had it, she’s fine!
Them : We were very close.
You : I think COVID is only dangerous if you’re poor.
Ad lib.

Example of “Ignore social cues”

5 – Insult anyone different than you

Also called “out-group animosity“. Just insult anyone that is not like you and your group. Yes it’s also the best way to get likes. But getting like is not incompatible with loosing actual real-life friends 😉

6 – Be only sarcastic, always!

Greeks had a name for people who think that the only way to be funny is to make fun of someone : Katagelastics. Be that! Always, mean and sarcastic, and aggressive.

7 – Develop habits, don’t ask for help

This one is a game killer ! If you have an habit or an addiction that requires help, don’t ever recognize that it’s a flaw !! Claim it cool, even when you’re a piece of trash. Run away from doctors, and learn how to smile when you hurt inside 😀

Bravo !

You should now be completely alone!

But if that didn’t work, and after that, you’re still surrounded by the same group of people, maybe you should ask yourself : are those really friends ?

PS : And if you want to know more about how to be a fearless instagram influencer, don’t forget to read Plato’s Gorgias 😉

Jean T. (I’m always here if you want to talk about it)

* Individuation as in Stiegler’s or Simondon’s understandings.

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